Guestbook › Attention all Yanks!!!
December 9, 2005 at 1:46 pm #1137979josta59Participant
Just found this and it made me laugh….
A message from a British person to the citizens of the United States
In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and
thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which
she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America
without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be
circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect: You should look up “revocation” in
the Oxford English Dictionary.
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘favour’ and
Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the
letters, and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. Generally,
you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to Acceptable levels. (look
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such
as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your
The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the
reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your
original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers,
or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows
that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled
by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing
someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to
handle a gun.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to
carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense
9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline) – roughly $8/US gallon. Get used to it.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are
properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and
dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as
beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred
to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s
Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four
Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed
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