Attention all Yanks!!!

Guestbook Attention all Yanks!!!

Viewing 1 post (of 1 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #1137979
    josta59
    Participant

    Just found this and it made me laugh….

    A message from a British person to the citizens of the United States
    of America:

    In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and
    thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
    independence, effective immediately.

    Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
    over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which
    she does not fancy).

    Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America
    without the need for further elections.

    Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be
    circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

    To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
    are introduced with immediate effect: You should look up “revocation” in
    the Oxford English Dictionary.

    1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be
    amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

    2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘favour’ and
    ‘neighbour.’
    Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the
    letters, and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. Generally,
    you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to Acceptable levels. (look
    up vocabulary).

    3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such
    as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
    communication.
    There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your
    behalf.
    The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the
    reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your
    original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

    4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

    5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers,
    or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows
    that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled
    by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing
    someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to
    handle a gun.

    6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
    dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to
    carry a vegetable peeler in public.

    7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your
    own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

    8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
    driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
    metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
    Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense
    of humour.

    9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
    calling gasoline) – roughly $8/US gallon. Get used to it.

    10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
    are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are
    properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and
    dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

    11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
    beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as
    beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred
    to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s
    Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

    12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
    guys.
    Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English
    characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four
    Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed
    wi

Viewing 1 post (of 1 total)
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.